Tuesday, May 6, 2008

This chapter of my life is called... "The Job Interview"

Is it legal to deny an applicant of a job because the interviewer does not like the applicant's living arrangements?, Because no joke, I seriously got denied a job for that very reason.

So, what if I were homeless and had all the qualifications for said position, but the interviewer did not like me because I was a "bum", despite dressing sharply, smelling nice and even leaving the bottle of booze outside. That's basically what happened, minus the homeless part (and the booze part, I suppose).

The interviewer's exact words were, "I'm feeling a little uncomfortable about your living arrangement's. I know the Hayward area and you would not be able to get an apartment based on the salary that I'd be paying you".

First of all, let me worry about how I'm going to afford my own apartment. That's none of his damn business, is it?

Second of all, isn't that the reason for applying for the job? So that I can at least get a start on getting myself situated in a city that I just moved into?

Does any of this make any sense to anyone out there? Because it sure as hell doesn't make sense to me. Think about this. I'm looking for a job because I'm new to this city and need some sort of income to start a life here and I'm being rejected by said employer, because I am unable to start a life in Hayward, WI.?

What. The. Fuck? Seriously, that cannot be legal.

Monday, May 5, 2008

In which Derek rants about your working habbits

There's only one thing that I hate more when I walk into a store then a crabby worker and that is a worker that doesn't give a reason to say anything about them when I leave the store, because every time I leave a store, I become a critic. It doesn't matter who is with me. The first thing that I say after I leave a store is always the same. It's either "well, that person was nice" or "that person was a bitch!". There's nothing in the middle, it's either one or the other.

So, what am I supposed to say when someone is in the middle? They weren't overly nice, but they weren't an asshole either. They were just... There. What am I supposed to tell my co-shopper after I leave the store? "Well, that person was there". It aggravates me. I leave the store and I'm silenced? Silenced?!

Well, I will not be silenced! I will stand-up for my right to comment on someone else's personality. I will march back in that store and tell that worker... Wait, what am I going to tell that worker? "Either be nice or be an asshole!".

Well, that's my advice for today. Either be nice or be an asshole. Don't be in between or you're an asshole.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

My cat is a WHORE!

Dear My Precious Little Kitten,

I am writing this letter to tell you that I love you. I love that precious little look in your eyes when you see me filling up your cat dish and the way you curl up next to my leg at night and fall asleep. I love the way you jump up on my shoulders and look down at the world and it's so cute when you lick my lips to say hello.

Out of all the cats that I have seen, I have never met a cat quite like you. So energetic and playful. So talkative. So damn cute.

However, that is not the reason I'm writing this letter. I'm writing this letter to let you know that every other week or so, I think you're a whore. There, I said it. You're a dirty little slut and I should have gotten you spaded when I had the money.

Look, kitty, you're entitled to have urges. It's just that, well, sometimes you get carried away with those urges and "assume the position" for anything that walks (or doesn't walk!). While I'm on the subject, we need to talk about that little fetish of yours. You need to understand that in society, interspecies erotica is frowned upon. So, please, stop "assuming the position" around me every time myself or any other male human is near you.

Please, please, please stop being such a whore. That's all I'm asking.

Thank you,

P.S. I know that this urge is driving you crazy, but could you please keep it down at night? Some of us want to sleep.

Enclosed is a mini-vibrator. Please, use it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Make Your Myspace Sexy

Original Article

So, after reading the original article (linked above), it's apparent to me that people have forgotten the long lost art of profile editing. Especially the person that wrote the above article. So, in an attempt to save Myspace from being destroyed by... Well, it's already destroyed. So, in an attempt to un-destroy Myspace, I'm going to give you people some tips to make your profile sex (even though, only one of my reader's actually has a myspace account. I vote we point and laugh at that person).

The following is a list of what NOT to do to your profile, based on the list provided by the original article. For those of us smart enough to have decided not to create a myspace profile, the list could be used for other various purposes, such as what not to put in any profile around the internet or your blog or your website.

1) Add Games.
Why?: Not only do games slow your profiles loading speed down, but they're only fun for you. No one ever plays those stupid games except you and unless you're really clever, they make your profile ugly. If you really want to, provide a link to a website that offers free flash game's, because that's where the reader is going to go anyway, if he/she wants to play flash game's.

2) Premade Layouts.
Why?: Learn HTML. Learn CSS. Premade layouts only make your profile look like every other profile. Come on, get a little creative! Plopping Avril Lavigne's ass on your profile is not creative. It's lazy. Take a little time on your profile.

3) Custom cursor's.
Why?: Because most of the time, the custom cursor's are really annoying. I don't want to move my mouse around with a very small image of a kitten, okay?

4) Clock's.
Why?: Umm, most computer's already have a clock on their taskbar. That's why.

5) Survey's:
Why?: Be honest with yourself. Do you ever read anybody else's answer's on those "surveys"? Why should someone read your answer's? And why do they call them surveys, anyway? Who evaluates our responses?

6) Graphic's (glitter graphic's, celebrity picture's, music lyric's and cool icon's):
Why?: Look at the coolest looking profile that you've ever seen, then look at some teenage girl who puts glitter graphic's all over her profile. How about those teenage girls that post 100x100 image's of crappy saying's like, "Ima Thugz Gurl!". Seriously, stop trying to make this cool. It never was cool.

7) Using Layout Generator's:
Why?: Actually, please, use this if you have no idea what you're doing and you're unwilling to learn. However, be warned, the adds that they place all over your profile are annoying and make it look very unprofessional. Do NOT use an ugly background picture. If you can't read your text, take the time to find a new background picture. Do NOT use a color just because it's your favorite color. The key to making a good layout is being color coordinated. Kind of like dressing nice. If you're a guy, you want your shoes to match your belt. Making a profile is kind of like that. Take your time, damn it! Stop making me look at your piece of crap layouts!

8) If you're going to add music, don't make it start automatically and please don't hide the music control's:
Why?: Because I'm listening to a song on iTunes, asshole. Excuse my language, but if you do this, you are an asshole. Ask your dad. He'll tell you the same thing.

9) Cry after reading these tips.
Why?: Because Jesus will forgive you for making such an annoying profile. If he doesn't, then it's your fault.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Writing a Celebrity Gossip Blog

As some of you know, I write in another blog called, "Totally! Celeb". It's a celebrity gossip blog and it's updated three to five times a day, as I dig up stories. It also has the same sarcastic humor found in this blog to some degree, as I offer a personal opinion after every entry.

I began writing the blog thinking that it was going to be easy and I wanted something more topical then this blog. My thinking was, "how hard can it be? Celebrities make asses out of themselves everyday and they're the most searched, so it shouldn't be hard driving traffic". My thinking was wrong.

Some of my personal friends also know that I'm not really into celebrity gossip. Then, I'm not really into much of anything that would make a good topical blog. Am I in it for the popularity? No, I like blogging. I've ran a countless number of blog's in the past, but I have a hard time keeping a topical blog updated. I also have a hard time maintaining interest in anything for more then a day. That's where the idea of "Totally! Celeb" came in. It was something that I could update quick.

I was wrong. Running a celebrity gossip blog isn't easy. In fact, finding dirt on celebrities was harder then it looked. First of all, when you write a blog that isn't very popular, the goal is to find a way to climb in front of the pack and there are hundred's of celebrity gossip blog's on the internet. So, the goal is to be unique or to be so informed that the reader is going to know that he or she can find all the latest celebrity news on the internet.

Originally, my goal was to be unique. I would only report on one story a day, but I would add my personal input on the story. Basically, I was going to be a personality over being a reporter. My finding was that there are already tons of personalities out there that are funnier and smarter then me. So, I switched over to being more of a reporter with a slight hint of a personality by offering a small opinion after each report.

Finding news was hard, but I finally came across a couple of popular forum's that seemed to catch all the gossip. Still, the field of celebrity gossip is packed with better blog's then Totally! Celeb.

So, basically, my best advice for writing a celebrity gossip blog? Don't write one. But don't worry if you're a Totally! Celeb reader, I still plan on updating.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

5 Reason's Why I Hate The Sims

So, you've all played The Sims, right? If you haven't, wow, then stop having a life for two seconds. Damn. Seriously, what's wrong with you?

Well, in case you haven't heard, The Sims is one of the best selling PC game's of all time. People still can't get enough of The Sims. They have Sims counseling classes for all those Simaholic's. Really, right next door to Myspace Anonymous.

Well, here's 5 reason's that I hate The Sims. That's right, I said it. I hate The Sims.

5) Gibberish. It's all Gibberish! Imagine moving to a neighborhood where everyone speaks Chinese except you. You find a book and learn Chinese? Now, imagine that there's no possible way to learn the Chinese language. Everyone just kind of knows it, except you. It's Gibberish! Blibber Blabber! Do you know what "blibber blabber" means? Of course not, because it's Gibberish!
4) Sim's can't hold their bladder. If they really have to pee, they don't care where they are or how new the carpet is. They will pee on it. They're worse then dog's.
3) Sim's are very demanding. I walk away from the computer for three seconds. I come back and my Sim is shouting at me. No, he can't be polite. He demands that I show him the way to the refrigerator. You know what, Mr. Sim? I'm your creator, damn it! You speak to me with respect, jerk. Next time that you want to speak to me, you bow your head and pray.
2) Those crazy little Sim's aren't as innocent as they look. Sim's start fire's.
1) Neighbor's walk into your house without being invited. They watch your TV, they take shower's in your bathroom, and they turn your radio on without even asking. They are disrespectful little bastard's.

In retrospect, maybe I take the game a little too seriously.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Decision '08

So, there had to come a time for Derek to bring politics into his blog that had absolutely no topic and already bored 95% of his three reader's (is that possible? I'm not sure. You do the math and get back to me).

Derek was not passionate about politics. Not passionate enough to stay on the subject of politics for more then one entry, but he knew that it was his duty as an American citizen to sway the voter's to vote for the same candidate that he's going to vote for. Derek knew that the informed population could not think for themselves, so he would have to think for them. Despite the fact that he was probably less informed.

So, Derek set out on his journey to find the next president of the United States of America. Was it going to be John McCain, Hilary Clinton, Barrack Obama, Jesse Ventura?

John McCain seemed like a good candidate, but he was old. Which probably meant that he was going to have a heart attack when it was announced that he would be the next president of the United States. Besides, Derek didn't like the color red.

Derek also didn't like George W. Bush, who was also a republican. Yes, Mr. Bush, the economy is in a slow-down. That's why they call it a recession. The stage right before a depression. Despite all effort's, Derek was unable to prove to the president that the president is a dumbass.

No, Derek was not going to vote republican. That became obvious. Derek would have to choose between a black man or a white woman. The decision was tough. The question's raced through his mind. Black or white? Male or female? Long hair or short hair? Who looked the best in a skirt?

It became obvious who Derek was going to vote for. It would not be John McCain, Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama. It wouldn't even be Jesse Ventura. The next president of the United States was going to be...

Tyra Banks! Duh. She was black, female and looked good in a skirt. The decision was so obvious. It was in front of his face the whole time.

And Derek lived happily ever after with his decision.

Moral of the story: Vote for Barrack Obama.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Number Fo'

Ladies and Gentlemen and Cheesehead's? I interrupt whatever you were doing to speak to you about a very unimportant topic while I increase my chip stack. Hmm, that seems like a clever opening. I might keep it.

With Brett Favre's retirement along with Steve McNair's, the whole football world is saddened. A superbowl legend, a football icon, and a hero throughout the state of Wisconsin. One of the greatest quarterback's of all time is finally laying down his helmet and calling it quits.

Everyone... Except me. Being born and raised in Duluth, MN. I can honestly say that I am not saddened by his retirement at all. Not even a single tear drop. I have dreamped about the day that I would see Brett Favre's jersey retired. Okay, I'll admit it. There was a couple of moment's that I actually cheered for Brett Favre. Generally, when he threw a pass to Kevin Williams. What an arm!

Well, now Brett Favre is going to be on the cover of Madden '09 and possibly every sports magazine that comes out until then, and I thought the nightmare was over. God, I hope I don't have to see his jersey number painted on everyone's back for the next 10 year's.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Friends don't let friends join Myspace...

I'm proud to announce that two night's ago, I quit the largest piece of crap social network in the world. No, I withdraw my previous statement. I not only quit Myspace, I quit using all of the piece's of crap social networking website's. Myspace, Facebook, Friendster, Twitter, Yahoo 360°. I quit them all. Honestly, I only used Myspace.

Myspace: "A place for friend's", or so they say. I joined Myspace for the same reason everyone else joined Myspace, because anybody whose anybody had a Myspace account. So, here it goes...

Reason's why I LOVED Myspace...

It was cool at first. I could be friends with people that I was already friends with and backstab them by putting cooler people that I met on the internet in my top 8, because let's face it, most of my friend's aren't very good looking people. Think of how totally uncool I would have looked if I had put them on my main page! I mean, the main page is like a preview of what you get if you add me to your friend list and if I show the world what my real friends look like... Well, that's like saying, "give me your kick ass Ninja Turtle action figure's and I'll give you something I got out of a cerael box".

I could find people that I haven't talked to in year's and add them to my friend list. Granted, most of the time they wouldn't respond if you sent them a message (who actually reads those thing's anyway?), but atleast they accepted my request to be their friend and I could pretend that they are still my closest buddies.

I could upload pictures of my beer belly six pack and people would comment on them, telling me how disturbingly ugly sexy I am! They may have completely ignored my "About Me" section and the blog's that I spent an hour or two writing, but atleast they commented on my picture's! Besides, Myspace is kind of like a picture book. There is no reading on Myspace! That stuff that they make you write about yourself is just a space filler. The real fun in Myspace is judging people by how they look, gouging out your eye's because you can't stand looking at another crappy layout that takes an hour to load, forcing yourself to listen to that preloaded song about having sex in some club and posting "thnx 4 the add comments" complete with a sparkling .GIF image!

Oh, I'm going to miss the day's of spam and unexpected error's, but I have to move on. It's time to enter a world where spelling a word correctly is actually a must and people actually read what you want to express. It's going to be hard...

Wait, those are all reasons I left Myspace. Okay, I'm going to have to start this whole blog over again.