Tuesday, May 6, 2008

This chapter of my life is called... "The Job Interview"

Is it legal to deny an applicant of a job because the interviewer does not like the applicant's living arrangements?, Because no joke, I seriously got denied a job for that very reason.

So, what if I were homeless and had all the qualifications for said position, but the interviewer did not like me because I was a "bum", despite dressing sharply, smelling nice and even leaving the bottle of booze outside. That's basically what happened, minus the homeless part (and the booze part, I suppose).

The interviewer's exact words were, "I'm feeling a little uncomfortable about your living arrangement's. I know the Hayward area and you would not be able to get an apartment based on the salary that I'd be paying you".

First of all, let me worry about how I'm going to afford my own apartment. That's none of his damn business, is it?

Second of all, isn't that the reason for applying for the job? So that I can at least get a start on getting myself situated in a city that I just moved into?

Does any of this make any sense to anyone out there? Because it sure as hell doesn't make sense to me. Think about this. I'm looking for a job because I'm new to this city and need some sort of income to start a life here and I'm being rejected by said employer, because I am unable to start a life in Hayward, WI.?

What. The. Fuck? Seriously, that cannot be legal.

Monday, May 5, 2008

In which Derek rants about your working habbits

There's only one thing that I hate more when I walk into a store then a crabby worker and that is a worker that doesn't give a reason to say anything about them when I leave the store, because every time I leave a store, I become a critic. It doesn't matter who is with me. The first thing that I say after I leave a store is always the same. It's either "well, that person was nice" or "that person was a bitch!". There's nothing in the middle, it's either one or the other.

So, what am I supposed to say when someone is in the middle? They weren't overly nice, but they weren't an asshole either. They were just... There. What am I supposed to tell my co-shopper after I leave the store? "Well, that person was there". It aggravates me. I leave the store and I'm silenced? Silenced?!

Well, I will not be silenced! I will stand-up for my right to comment on someone else's personality. I will march back in that store and tell that worker... Wait, what am I going to tell that worker? "Either be nice or be an asshole!".

Well, that's my advice for today. Either be nice or be an asshole. Don't be in between or you're an asshole.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

My cat is a WHORE!

Dear My Precious Little Kitten,

I am writing this letter to tell you that I love you. I love that precious little look in your eyes when you see me filling up your cat dish and the way you curl up next to my leg at night and fall asleep. I love the way you jump up on my shoulders and look down at the world and it's so cute when you lick my lips to say hello.

Out of all the cats that I have seen, I have never met a cat quite like you. So energetic and playful. So talkative. So damn cute.

However, that is not the reason I'm writing this letter. I'm writing this letter to let you know that every other week or so, I think you're a whore. There, I said it. You're a dirty little slut and I should have gotten you spaded when I had the money.

Look, kitty, you're entitled to have urges. It's just that, well, sometimes you get carried away with those urges and "assume the position" for anything that walks (or doesn't walk!). While I'm on the subject, we need to talk about that little fetish of yours. You need to understand that in society, interspecies erotica is frowned upon. So, please, stop "assuming the position" around me every time myself or any other male human is near you.

Please, please, please stop being such a whore. That's all I'm asking.

Thank you,

P.S. I know that this urge is driving you crazy, but could you please keep it down at night? Some of us want to sleep.

Enclosed is a mini-vibrator. Please, use it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Make Your Myspace Sexy

Original Article

So, after reading the original article (linked above), it's apparent to me that people have forgotten the long lost art of profile editing. Especially the person that wrote the above article. So, in an attempt to save Myspace from being destroyed by... Well, it's already destroyed. So, in an attempt to un-destroy Myspace, I'm going to give you people some tips to make your profile sex (even though, only one of my reader's actually has a myspace account. I vote we point and laugh at that person).

The following is a list of what NOT to do to your profile, based on the list provided by the original article. For those of us smart enough to have decided not to create a myspace profile, the list could be used for other various purposes, such as what not to put in any profile around the internet or your blog or your website.

1) Add Games.
Why?: Not only do games slow your profiles loading speed down, but they're only fun for you. No one ever plays those stupid games except you and unless you're really clever, they make your profile ugly. If you really want to, provide a link to a website that offers free flash game's, because that's where the reader is going to go anyway, if he/she wants to play flash game's.

2) Premade Layouts.
Why?: Learn HTML. Learn CSS. Premade layouts only make your profile look like every other profile. Come on, get a little creative! Plopping Avril Lavigne's ass on your profile is not creative. It's lazy. Take a little time on your profile.

3) Custom cursor's.
Why?: Because most of the time, the custom cursor's are really annoying. I don't want to move my mouse around with a very small image of a kitten, okay?

4) Clock's.
Why?: Umm, most computer's already have a clock on their taskbar. That's why.

5) Survey's:
Why?: Be honest with yourself. Do you ever read anybody else's answer's on those "surveys"? Why should someone read your answer's? And why do they call them surveys, anyway? Who evaluates our responses?

6) Graphic's (glitter graphic's, celebrity picture's, music lyric's and cool icon's):
Why?: Look at the coolest looking profile that you've ever seen, then look at some teenage girl who puts glitter graphic's all over her profile. How about those teenage girls that post 100x100 image's of crappy saying's like, "Ima Thugz Gurl!". Seriously, stop trying to make this cool. It never was cool.

7) Using Layout Generator's:
Why?: Actually, please, use this if you have no idea what you're doing and you're unwilling to learn. However, be warned, the adds that they place all over your profile are annoying and make it look very unprofessional. Do NOT use an ugly background picture. If you can't read your text, take the time to find a new background picture. Do NOT use a color just because it's your favorite color. The key to making a good layout is being color coordinated. Kind of like dressing nice. If you're a guy, you want your shoes to match your belt. Making a profile is kind of like that. Take your time, damn it! Stop making me look at your piece of crap layouts!

8) If you're going to add music, don't make it start automatically and please don't hide the music control's:
Why?: Because I'm listening to a song on iTunes, asshole. Excuse my language, but if you do this, you are an asshole. Ask your dad. He'll tell you the same thing.

9) Cry after reading these tips.
Why?: Because Jesus will forgive you for making such an annoying profile. If he doesn't, then it's your fault.