My cat is a WHORE!

Dear My Precious Little Kitten,

I am writing this letter to tell you that I love you. I love that precious little look in your eyes when you see me filling up your cat dish and the way you curl up next to my leg at night and fall asleep. I love the way you jump up on my shoulders and look down at the world and it's so cute when you lick my lips to say hello.

Out of all the cats that I have seen, I have never met a cat quite like you. So energetic and playful. So talkative. So damn cute.

However, that is not the reason I'm writing this letter. I'm writing this letter to let you know that every other week or so, I think you're a whore. There, I said it. You're a dirty little slut and I should have gotten you spaded when I had the money.

Look, kitty, you're entitled to have urges. It's just that, well, sometimes you get carried away with those urges and "assume the position" for anything that walks (or doesn't walk!). While I'm on the subject, we need to talk about that little fetish of yours. You need to understand that in society, interspecies erotica is frowned upon. So, please, stop "assuming the position" around me every time myself or any other male human is near you.

Please, please, please stop being such a whore. That's all I'm asking.

Thank you,
Derek

P.S. I know that this urge is driving you crazy, but could you please keep it down at night? Some of us want to sleep.

Enclosed is a mini-vibrator. Please, use it.