Thursday, May 1, 2008

Make Your Myspace Sexy

Original Article

So, after reading the original article (linked above), it's apparent to me that people have forgotten the long lost art of profile editing. Especially the person that wrote the above article. So, in an attempt to save Myspace from being destroyed by... Well, it's already destroyed. So, in an attempt to un-destroy Myspace, I'm going to give you people some tips to make your profile sex (even though, only one of my reader's actually has a myspace account. I vote we point and laugh at that person).

The following is a list of what NOT to do to your profile, based on the list provided by the original article. For those of us smart enough to have decided not to create a myspace profile, the list could be used for other various purposes, such as what not to put in any profile around the internet or your blog or your website.

1) Add Games.
Why?: Not only do games slow your profiles loading speed down, but they're only fun for you. No one ever plays those stupid games except you and unless you're really clever, they make your profile ugly. If you really want to, provide a link to a website that offers free flash game's, because that's where the reader is going to go anyway, if he/she wants to play flash game's.

2) Premade Layouts.
Why?: Learn HTML. Learn CSS. Premade layouts only make your profile look like every other profile. Come on, get a little creative! Plopping Avril Lavigne's ass on your profile is not creative. It's lazy. Take a little time on your profile.

3) Custom cursor's.
Why?: Because most of the time, the custom cursor's are really annoying. I don't want to move my mouse around with a very small image of a kitten, okay?

4) Clock's.
Why?: Umm, most computer's already have a clock on their taskbar. That's why.

5) Survey's:
Why?: Be honest with yourself. Do you ever read anybody else's answer's on those "surveys"? Why should someone read your answer's? And why do they call them surveys, anyway? Who evaluates our responses?

6) Graphic's (glitter graphic's, celebrity picture's, music lyric's and cool icon's):
Why?: Look at the coolest looking profile that you've ever seen, then look at some teenage girl who puts glitter graphic's all over her profile. How about those teenage girls that post 100x100 image's of crappy saying's like, "Ima Thugz Gurl!". Seriously, stop trying to make this cool. It never was cool.

7) Using Layout Generator's:
Why?: Actually, please, use this if you have no idea what you're doing and you're unwilling to learn. However, be warned, the adds that they place all over your profile are annoying and make it look very unprofessional. Do NOT use an ugly background picture. If you can't read your text, take the time to find a new background picture. Do NOT use a color just because it's your favorite color. The key to making a good layout is being color coordinated. Kind of like dressing nice. If you're a guy, you want your shoes to match your belt. Making a profile is kind of like that. Take your time, damn it! Stop making me look at your piece of crap layouts!

8) If you're going to add music, don't make it start automatically and please don't hide the music control's:
Why?: Because I'm listening to a song on iTunes, asshole. Excuse my language, but if you do this, you are an asshole. Ask your dad. He'll tell you the same thing.

9) Cry after reading these tips.
Why?: Because Jesus will forgive you for making such an annoying profile. If he doesn't, then it's your fault.


applejoos said...

LOL, I agree with every single one of these, even though you're all pointing and laughing at me.

Bottles Barbies & Boys said...

LOL, Amen to that brother! You tell them, all of that should be in the Law book to all profiles. Hey one you forgot was No babies on the titty, for your avatar. So, don't want to see it! We know you have big boobs, your breast feeding, they are full of milk!I don't want a squirt in the eye when that baby pops off, so put it AWAY.

*(Notes to self... no clocks,no glitter,no music, no favorite colors..Wait would that include pink, you think? Na he's talking about all those drabby favorite colors I just know it!)*

Carrie said...

Dear size twenty shoe (yes, it did go down a few sizes because I am getting to know you better and I think there might be a tendancy to exaggerate things ever so slightly) ... What if you are really really really old like me and don't know how or where to learn HTML or CSS because you are too busy to trying to keep kids off crack AND save the planet? Is it still possible to have a sexy (I know you said myspace but I am saying blogspace) blogspace? Because I know you wrote this directly to me because everything is about me. Always. Even when it isn't supposed to be about me right away, it ends up being about me.